Sat. Jun 15th, 2024

Military experts have cast doubt on the authenticity of the photos of abuse allegedly committed by US and UK troops in Iraq.

US General Donald Rumdoings and UK General Emperor Franz Joseph told us about their doubts.

”There are lots of inconsistencies in the photos,” said Gen. Franz Joseph. “Firstly, we don’t use that kind of urine in the desert. We use a dry, powdery kind specially developed for hot places, so this photo cannot possibly be real.

“Secondly, soldiers have much bigger willies than that. This is obviously a journalist pissing on the towel-head because the willy is so small.

“Third, we don’t have victims like that. This guy looks like he might be able to take care of himself if unshackled. We prefer to brutalise women and children. And then we do it by remote control by use of cluster bombs and the like.

“Finally, the uniform is all wrong. Our combat soldiers in the desert wear sandals on their feet and flowers in their hair and they never carry guns. Chihuahuas. They carry chihuahuas, not guns.”

“And there’s another important point people have overlooked here,” explained Gen. Rumdoings. “Making piles of naked men isn’t abuse, it’s fun.”

”Yes. When I was at boarding school, we used to do it all the time. It’s especially good if you are in the middle, because then you have naked men all around you,” elaborated Gen. Franz Joseph.

Gen. Rumdoings went on to explain that the US uses very advanced forms of interrogation and has no need of physical coercion.

“Cream buns. Lots of them. And hamburgers and hot dogs and fried chicken. We feed them till they’re stuffed, then we feed them some more. Then we track down their families and leave picnic hampers outside their door and big boxes of cream buns and vats of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Then we go back and make tea and sandwiches for the inmates and give them a good rub down with a hot towel. In no time at all they are telling us what we want to know out of sheer gratitude.”

”So these pictures are blatent fakes. In fact, the whole war is a fake. We have never invaded Iraq. It’s all a tabloid ploy to boost circulation.


The press conference broke up in sighs of relief and cries of “Back to abuse as usual, then.”

By chris page

Magazine editor, writer of fiction and non-fiction; exile; cat person; red wine for blood and cheese in his soul. Chris Page is the author of the novels Weed, Sanctioned, Another Perfect Day in ****ing Paradise, King of the Undies World, and The Underpants Tree. He is also a freelance journalist, copywriter, editor, cartoonist, illustrator, graphic designer, and consultant in the use and abuse of false moustaches (don’t wear them — you’re welcome — the invoice is in the mail).

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