Sat. Mar 2nd, 2024

Today, Satan dramatically appeared to US voters threatening them with a great smiting.

‘I shall smite you a lot,’ he said. ‘And then I will smite you some more. Just see if I don’t,’ he added.

The Horned One’s sudden appearance on America’s TV screens came just milliseconds before the US general erection.

‘And I am not just threatening to smite you to scare you into voting for George,’ Lucifer was careful to point out. ‘Even though our dads are chums’.

Evil Incarnate looked dapper and relaxed as he told viewers, ‘And no, there’s nothing the least bit odd about me popping up on prime time just before the election to deliver a scary message. This just happens to be my day for popping up with a scary message.’

As for his reasons for smiting lots of Americans, he was not specific. ‘It is not because I hate freedom. In fact I have lots of freedom because no one has managed to catch me, and I rather enjoy it. Actually, I am going to smite you, er … for the usual reasons. You know. Whatever the reason was last time. Because Dick and Carl asked me to.

‘So, you can vote for anyone you like, but woe betide you if you get it wrong, because the smiting will be truly awful. Just see if it isn’t.’

October 29, 2004

By chris page

Magazine editor, writer of fiction and non-fiction; exile; cat person; red wine for blood and cheese in his soul. Chris Page is the author of the novels Weed, Sanctioned, Another Perfect Day in ****ing Paradise, King of the Undies World, and The Underpants Tree. He is also a freelance journalist, copywriter, editor, cartoonist, illustrator, graphic designer, and consultant in the use and abuse of false moustaches (don’t wear them — you’re welcome — the invoice is in the mail).

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