Tue. Jun 25th, 2024

Yesterday’s shooting incident at a Milwaukee hotel in which seven people died has prompted a statement from the National Shooting People Association, staunch advocates of gun ownership.

Mr Bullethead

NSPA supremo Charlton Bullethead angrily denounced police reports of the shooting as biased and slanted.

“The gun did not kill anyone. A person killed the people. The gun has been set up.”

Mr. Bullethead, speaking from a concrete bunker in an undisclosed location surrounded by trip wires and mines, went on to say that guns are completely safe. “I’ve had dozens of guns in my closet for years and not one has walked out and shot anyone.”

People’s heads spontaneously explode all the time and such events are unrelated to guns or bullets.

He then went on to criticise the way the police were handling the case.

“There is no proof that the perpetrator used a gun to shoot these people. This is irresponsible hearsay that comes only from the coincidence that the dead and injured had bullets in their bodies.

“We have a witness who was only a few hundreds of miles away at the time, who states clearly that he saw the killer inserting bullets into his victims with a spoon. We would like to see Mr. Bush’s pinko-lefty government making laws to require background checks on spoon buyers, rather than harrassing innocent gun owners.”

Stressing the compassionate nature of his organisation, Mr. Bullethead offered a hand of help in the crisis.

“We will take care of the gun. Obviously it is an innocent that has been caught up in these events and we can offer it a place in our special home for abused guns where it will be sheltered from psychopathic gun haters.”

A spoon

In a parallel statement Charles Eating-Utensil, who is chairman of the National Spoon Association, stated that if all the guests had been carrying spoons at the time, they would have been able to spoon bullets into the assailant before he did any damage.

George Bush, pinko-lefty president of the US, stated that if the hotel guests had followed his principles of pre-emption, they would have spooned the killer before he even got into the hotel.

By chris page

Magazine editor, writer of fiction and non-fiction; exile; cat person; red wine for blood and cheese in his soul. Chris Page is the author of the novels Weed, Sanctioned, Another Perfect Day in ****ing Paradise, King of the Undies World, and The Underpants Tree. He is also a freelance journalist, copywriter, editor, cartoonist, illustrator, graphic designer, and consultant in the use and abuse of false moustaches (don’t wear them — you’re welcome — the invoice is in the mail).

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