Sat. Mar 2nd, 2024

The Japanese Shinto god of weather is wanted for crimes against humanity.

The Shinto god of weather is a very naughty boy.

The International Court of Human Rights in The Hague has issued a warrant for his arrest.

The Japanese government has been accused of hiding the fugitive god and of not cooperating with investigators, accusations the government denies.

The Shinto deity has been accused of atrocities affecting millions of people on an annual basis.

Crimes include, boiling people in their skins, and irradiating people with a sun positioned recklessly close to the ground. Another serious crime is that of suffocating people with excesses of atmospheric humidity, a practice likened to perpetual water boarding.

Other tortures routinely inflicted on people are sleep deprivation and stress positions (standing, sitting, lying).

Trauma and heavy drinking including barley tea addiction are common among victims as is air conditioner abuse.

The deity afflicts his own people but saves his worst excesses for ‘those long-nosed bastards,’ not Tengu, but pale-skinned westerners who have no natural or metaphysical defences against this abuse. Many westerners come from countries where there are no temperatures, and being non-Shinto are not able even to pray for relief.

The court of human rights is quietly pessimistic about apprehending the god. The Japanese government, although denying it publicly, is thought to be shielding the fugitive. Indeed, the Japanese government insists that the god fled the country before the warrant was issued and has refused to comment on reports that evidence of his inhumane acts is visible on a daily basis up and down the country as people continue to sweat, simmer, boil, melt and catch fire.

‘It will be difficult to catch him,’ concedes a government minister speaking on condition of anonymity because this reporter has yet to invent a facetious name for him. ‘This weather god lives in and is protected by a community of eight million other Shinto gods. Many of these gods themselves have a dark past they don’t want examined and certainly don’t want to set a precedent of being held responsible for their proclivities.’

The task of tracking down this particular god will be further hampered by his invisibility and transdimensionality.

‘Moreover,’ the official went on, ‘this god has powerful friends, such as ex-prime minister Tojo, the Imperial war machine, Yukio Mishima, and Governor Ishihara of Tokyo.’ He is also thought to have forged an international alliance with climate change deniers.

July 11, 2009

The Shinto god of weather is a very naughty boy.

By chris page

Magazine editor, writer of fiction and non-fiction; exile; cat person; red wine for blood and cheese in his soul. Chris Page is the author of the novels Weed, Sanctioned, Another Perfect Day in ****ing Paradise, King of the Undies World, and The Underpants Tree. He is also a freelance journalist, copywriter, editor, cartoonist, illustrator, graphic designer, and consultant in the use and abuse of false moustaches (don’t wear them — you’re welcome — the invoice is in the mail).

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