It has been revealed that US televangelist Pat Robertson is cursed by a secret deal with the Devil.
In return for unlimited power, riches and cable access, Robertson gave away his brain to Lucifer, thereby cursing himself to talk utter gibberish for the rest of his days, and cursing us to have to hear about it.
The revelations come from media personality Dr. Johan Faust.
Robertson’s familiar, Rush Limbaugh, said that giving money to earthquake-struck Haitians was equivalent to saving their lives and that we should instead give all our money to him. Or Lucifer.
Mr Beelzebub is as old as time, but not as old as Mr Robertson.