Sun. Oct 6th, 2024

Sir Keir Starmer (Sir), prime minister, has stolen Esther Rantzen’s dog’s sausages. 

In his speech to the Labour party conference Starmer vowed to ‘bring the sausages home’. 

Not one sausage left behind, he promised, which in this time of war, climate breakdown, and unchecked capitalism, was what the party — indeed, the nation! — really wanted to hear. 

Yet one dog citizen was less than ingested, and issued a statement after the speech demanding: ‘Where’s my sausage?’

This was Esther Rantzen’s sausage dog, who became world famous from his appearances on her hit reality show That’s Life by saying ‘sausages’ on demand. 

Asked for comment, the dog, whose actual name no one remembers, explained ‘Once Starmer had invoked sausages in his speech I was suddenly left bereft. I could no longer say sausages. Starmer had nicked my links. Try as I might, all I could say was “Tony Blair” or “wanker”.’

Asked for comment, Starmer, his jaw firmly manipulated by Tony Blair, said ‘Anything you want, Margaret!’

By chris page

Magazine editor, writer of fiction and non-fiction; exile; cat person; red wine for blood and cheese in his soul. Chris Page is the author of the novels Weed, Sanctioned, Another Perfect Day in ****ing Paradise, King of the Undies World, and The Underpants Tree. He is also a freelance journalist, copywriter, editor, cartoonist, illustrator, graphic designer, and consultant in the use and abuse of false moustaches (don’t wear them — you’re welcome — the invoice is in the mail).

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