Tue. Jul 16th, 2024

Matt Kaste’s Epiphany rant

Greetings All,
    The grain of salt I take most political speeches with could thoroughly salinate Lake Superior and the other four Great Lakes no problem, but I do think most of us expect that at least some of the content of these speeches will speak to the condition of the world in which we live. Our fearless leader is plumbing new depths, and diving headlong into an ocean of doublespeak, namely, this year’s SOTUA. I have hired a medium who has helped me channel GWB. Though the experience has been harrowing and as scary as if our best and brightest had actually found some WMD’s in that tiny Scottish distillery our government had been monitoring, you will see that his commentary is quite helpful in closing the gap between his words and deeds and identifying each and every demon we will instruct the exorcists (It’ll take a team.) to rid him of. Enjoy!    

Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, fellow citizens: (When I say “citizens,” I mean “Republicans,” the rich ones in particular, the few minority voters we’ve brainwashed, the House of Saud and all of the Bin Ladens except for that feisty one we trained and who got all uppity all of a sudden, all rich multinational executives we control and anyone who can get us some more, cheap crude, wherever you are and regardless of who you are currently oppressing.)

Every year, by law and by custom, we meet here to consider the state of the union. (until we have redefined reality so completely that we can completely stop pretending that we care or that we listen to anything you say.) This year, we gather in this chamber deeply aware of decisive days that lie (and which we will continue lying) ahead.

You and I serve our country in a time of great consequence. (Yet I have still manage to take more vacation than any President before me, because of my brilliant and all-encompassing knowledge of domestic and foreign affairs, direct intercession from my co-pilot in Heaven and the fact that I am blessed with such a tireless and competent administration, drawn from such diverse and far corners of the oil industry and military industrial complex.) During this session of Congress, we have the duty to reform (eliminate) domestic programs (anything the over half million crowd doesn’t understand, or hasn’t used but believes is a waste of taxpayers’ money) vital to our country … and we have the opportunity to save millions of lives abroad from a terrible disease. (They’re thinking “AIDS,” but I’m thinking “democracy.” God, it’s a pain in the ass. Can’t wait to fry those whiners good once we push through a couple more amendments to the PATRIOT Act. That was my idea, you know. Don’t go giving that one to Ashcroft. All mine.) We will work for a prosperity that is broadly shared (by the top 50 megacorporations) … and we will answer every danger and every enemy (real, but mostly imagined, then created and publicized by us, Your Leaders) and that threatens the American people. (Yes, you have a lot to fear. Lions and tigers and bears, OH MY!)

In all these days of promise and days of reckoning, (Yeah, I read the Bible or sometimes have it read to me. As you know, I strayed as many have, but God has called me to His fold and I have surrendered to Him and am now acting on His behalf here on earth, with the utmost humility, of course. That Skull and Bones membership back at Yale with all the secrecy, black candles, goats heads, weird Latin chanting and pentacles was just a bunch of my buds lettin’ off a little steam. No disrespect to you, my heavenly Father. It is kind of weird how many of the members are both Republicans and are pretty much just behind me in the running the world department. Anyway…)  we can be confident. In a whirlwind of change, and hope, and peril, our faith is sure, our resolve is firm, and our union is strong. (That sounds awesome. I have no idea what it means, nor do I care, but I want that engraved on the butt of one of my guns.)

This country has many challenges. We will not deny, we will not ignore, we will not pass along our problems to other Congresses, (Well, except the huge deficit I’m running up for your kids and grandkids to pay off. Oh, and the rape of the environment crap those pansies keep whimpering about. But we are going to Mars, are going to make sure you are always aware of how scared you should be for the rest of your lives, are going to make sure no millionaire pays any tax on top of the taxes he already hasn’t paid because of our well-crafted tax laws and will always seem to be just ready to improve public education and health care coverage while secretly working to undermine them.) other presidents, and other generations. We will confront them with focus, and clarity, and courage. (in the “bizarro world.” See! I watch SNL. “I be down wid wassup in da hood.” Hee hee!)

During the last two years, we have seen what can be accomplished when we (Republicans) work together. To lift the standards of our public schools, we achieved historic education reform (which wouldn’t help our students one bit, and which I haven’t funded anyway. Touche! Liberal-controlled teachers’ union) — which must now be carried out in every school, and every classroom, so that every child in America can read, (the books we don’t burn) and learn, (about the noble people and cute, huntable animals of the entire nation of Africa) and succeed in life. To protect (scare the perpetual shit out of) our country, we reorganized (toppled) our government and  created the Department of Homeland Security (with help from God Almighty and the legions of Satan) — which is mobilizing against the threats of a new era. (which we are now busily creating.) To bring our economy out of recession, (the one we created by giving all your money to my dad’s a-hole friends and waging those two crusades over their against those towel heads.) we delivered the largest tax relief in a generation. (to the top 16% of the American population.) To insist on integrity in American business, (but not in my Cabinet or at any of the companies members of my administration used to be the CEO’s of) we passed tough reforms, and we are holding corporate criminals to account. (Let’s get the pollsters checking how many of them bought that one. Karl? Chop chop.)

Some might call this a good record. (if it was true.) I call it a good start. (Just like how a few lines of coke chased with a couple of shots of J.D. used to give me that needed kick to get up and start the day off right, in the early afternoon.) Tonight I ask the House (of Saud) and Senate (I own) to join me in the next bold steps to serve our fellow citizens. (I think I mentioned who those citizens were earlier.)

Our first goal is clear: We must have an economy that grows fast enough to employ every man and woman who seeks a job. (If we do this right, you will think there is job growth when we “add” jobs to the millions my rich buddies and dad’s a-hole friends have eliminated since I took office. Then, I’m pretty sure we will be able to sell you rights to that “Freedom Air” crap Ken Lay was rampling on about at the ranch a couple of years ago.)

After recession, terrorist attacks, corporate scandals, and stock market declines, (and many innumerable and ever-present fears we want you to dread and carry with you to the grave) our economy is recovering — yet it is not growing fast enough, or strongly enough. With unemployment rising, our Nation needs more small businesses to open, (so they can go under within six to nine months and become Tae Kwon Do studios or tanning salons thanks to the mega-corporations that have written this speech for me and who will soon be bringing you, “Freedom Air. Geez, it goes down good. Only $6.95 a bottle, while supplies last.”) more companies to invest (in energy and military technology companies), and expand, more employers to put up the sign that says, “Help Wanted.” (Undocumented workers wanted on a regular, revolving basis because our government knows who you are and can ship you back across the Rio Grande before you ask for a raise and start getting notions of getting one of “our” jobs in the world outside the Food Court and the parking garage.)

Jobs are created (including the millions of 29-hours-with-lots-of-unpaid-overtime, part-time jobs with no benefits this generation has been blessed with) when the economy grows; the economy grows when Americans have more money to spend and invest (something that only happens during Democratic administrations due to the fiscal responsibility and forethought of god-fearing Republicans like myself); and the best, fairest way to make sure Americans have that money is not to tax it away in the first place. (‘Cuz I’ll be in Bermuda partying with Ken Lay, the Terminator and that Harris babe Jeb’s always talking about by the time y’all figure out that future generations of taxpayers will never be able to dig themselves out of the hole I’ve dug for you. Buying that “death tax” crap was the best. Now future Bushes, DuPonts, Mellons and Vanderbilts will not pay tax even once on the fortunes which support us and assure that we will continue to play by completely different rules and inhabit entirely different and superior lives to those of yours for many generations to come. Muchos gracias– El Suckerinos.)  

I am proposing that all the income tax reductions set for 2004 and 2006 be made permanent (because enough of you will figure it out eventually and will scream to have it repealed once you do) and effective this year. And under my plan, as soon as I have signed the bill, (and offered the severed head of a Liberal to my dark, I mean, heavenly Master) this extra money will start showing up in workers’ paychecks. (So enjoy that extra Big Gulp and don’t forget to “Super Size” that safe, 100% American beef Big Mac combo.) Instead of gradually reducing the (natural, non-sin-against-nature-and-the-American-Way) marriage penalty, we should do it now. Instead of slowly raising the child credit to a thousand dollars, we should send the checks to American families now. (Because you’ll need every cent of it to make a first payment on your spiralling health care and education costs that we are doing nothing to curb and are, in fact, helping contibute to.) 

This tax relief is for everyone who pays income taxes (and the clever, non-tax-paying millionaires who get their hands on the really smart accountants) — and it will help our economy immediately. (for a period of 1-2 weeks for the vast majority of Americans and for the rest of the lives of the top 1% of wage earners in this great democracy we have created.) Ninety-two million Americans will keep — this year — an average of almost 1,100 dollars more of their own money. (Just like how the average income would be about $1.5 million if Dick Cheney, Ken Lay and I invited those three hot, Hooters waitresses to the ranch for a pool party like Ken’s always going on about. Note to self… ‘continue underfunding education, particularly MATH education.’) family of four with an income of 40,000 dollars would see their federal income taxes fall from 1,178 dollars to 45 dollars per year. (if they only new that the family of four I am describing is an actual family of four, the Halversons of Cairo, Illinois, and they have been chosen because their tax situation is so bizarre, unusual and perfect that it bears no resemblance to any other “families of four” in this proud nation of ours.)  And our plan will improve the bottom line for more than 23 million small businesses. (That was fun lying about improving the bottom line. I never got to say “improve the bottom line” at any of the companies or professional sports teams daddy and his a-hole friends let me mismanage.)

By chris page

Magazine editor, writer of fiction and non-fiction; exile; cat person; red wine for blood and cheese in his soul. Chris Page is the author of the novels Weed, Sanctioned, Another Perfect Day in ****ing Paradise, King of the Undies World, and The Underpants Tree. He is also a freelance journalist, copywriter, editor, cartoonist, illustrator, graphic designer, and consultant in the use and abuse of false moustaches (don’t wear them — you’re welcome — the invoice is in the mail).

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