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Europeans are shipping thousands of buckets and kazoos ahead of George Bush’s address to the Nato and national leaders there.

President Bush is expected to appeal for American-European unity over Iraq.

The buckets and kazoos are being issued to everyone who is likely to hear him speak.

The buckets are to catch the torrents of vomit the President’s words are likely to unleash and the kazoos are to help provide a soundtrack when listeners are not chucking.

One big torrent-of-vomit moment is expected when Bush appeals for a united international approach to the challenge of Iraq.

Mr. Munchen Gladhosen of Berlin, Germany, expostulated at this reporter, “We had international unity ahead of the Iraq invasion. But Bush ignored it and invaded anyway. What the ficht is he on about now?”

Another major vomit-inducing moment will come when the Prez says that the US and Europe are history’s natural axis for promoting freedom.

In France, M. Homme Dans-la-Rue expressed his scepticism. 

”How free are the civilians killed by the US army? How free are the people in Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib and Bagram? How free are the people of Europe living under the threat of a terrorist counter attack? How free are the Iraqis who were denied the vote and whose nation is under occupation?”

The two biggest tsunamis of vomit will come when Chirac and then Schroeder, formerly anti-war figures, now pro-war turncoats, appear on stage sniffing Bush’s bottom and wagging their tales.

Such will be the avalanche of the pink, smelly stuff at this point, that whole cities will succumb to the deluge and many citizens will lose both their grandmothers and their kazoos.

At the end of the chunder-fest, Europeans will likely use their surviving kazoos to pipe the president on to Air Force One with the Neocon anthem, otherwise known as the Looney Tunes theme.

February 24, 2005

By chris page

Magazine editor, writer of fiction and non-fiction; exile; cat person; red wine for blood and cheese in his soul. Chris Page is the author of the novels Weed, Sanctioned, Another Perfect Day in ****ing Paradise, King of the Undies World, and The Underpants Tree. He is also a freelance journalist, copywriter, editor, cartoonist, illustrator, graphic designer, and consultant in the use and abuse of false moustaches (don’t wear them — you’re welcome — the invoice is in the mail).

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