Fri. Mar 1st, 2024

In a dramatic move today that totally gobsmacked His critics — Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Spittle of Stoke Newington, London, England, UK, Europe — George “Messiah” Bush offered to double aid to Africa and brought just a few of the millions who had died of poverty back to life.

He pledged to give Africa double the crumbs off America’s table.

He also offered to mobilise Special Forces to scour Washington’s litter bins for discarded Freedom Fries and dregs of Freedom Cola to ship to the troubled continent.

The gift has slight but reasonable conditions attached. The aid would only be forthcoming if all the little African boys, and all the little African girls, and all the little African leaders promised to be good in the future.

If they all promised to stop giving succour to international terrorists, give over all their natural resources, and become Christian, white and middle class, boatloads of crumbs would be forthcoming.

In an address to his disciples at Meyer Auditorium at Freer Gallery, He said, “[African leaders] by definition, must play the main role as agents of reform and progress, instead of passive recipients of money. Over the decades, we’ve learned that without economic and social freedom, without the rule of law and effective, honest government, international aid has little impact or value.”

The Lord Bush spoke with confidence, imbued with the belief that he had personally invented the myth that Africa was unable to look after itself.

African leaders are expected to respond that if America ever acquires honest government, freedom and a respect for the rule of law they will be happy to accept the crumbs from Bush’s table.

And the same goes for Tory Blair’s crumbs too.

Bush raises the dead

During the same press feeding when a couple of filleted and uncooked untruths satisfied thousands of adoring journalists, Jesus, aka President Bush, told the following parable.

“Two years ago, a little girl in Namibia was born to a mother and father who both had HIV; she had the disease, as well. The name her parents gave her translates as the phrase, ‘There is no good in the world.’ Months ago, the girl was very sick and losing weight and close to death. But today, she and her entire family are receiving lifesaving medicine. Now she’s a beautiful, shy, thriving six-year-old, with a new life ahead of her, and there’s a little more good in the world.

Across Africa, people who were preparing to die are now preparing to live. (Applause.) And America is playing a role in so many of those miracles. We’re a nation that repays our blessings with generosity to others. When we work with Africans to bring food to starving regions, and malaria treatments to remote villages, and miracle drugs that restore the dying to strength, this is part of our calling in the world. (Applause.) And as we answer that call, it makes us proud to be Americans.”

The miracle of resurrection was made all the more remarkable by the fact that US manufacturers of anti AIDS drugs have routinely priced their products out of the reach of the budgets of many African nations, that America is theG8’s smallest contributor of aid as a proportion of GNP.

By chris page

Magazine editor, writer of fiction and non-fiction; exile; cat person; red wine for blood and cheese in his soul. Chris Page is the author of the novels Weed, Sanctioned, Another Perfect Day in ****ing Paradise, King of the Undies World, and The Underpants Tree. He is also a freelance journalist, copywriter, editor, cartoonist, illustrator, graphic designer, and consultant in the use and abuse of false moustaches (don’t wear them — you’re welcome — the invoice is in the mail).

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