Breaking: Indications discovered at the EU

EU discovers ‘indications’ that Israel is in breach of human rights obligations

The revelation that the EU has ‘indications’ of something not quite right in the way the state of Israel  has been murdering Palestinians has brought, not much activity to speak of in the halls of European power. 

The revelations that there are ‘indications’ were indicated in an EU report created by the actual EU for the EU at great expense to EU inactivity. 

According to press reports, EU officials are now scrambling to amble around the parliament building while looking at their phones and frowning. 

‘Indications?’ one official is quoted as saying. ‘Aren’t they like hints or suggestions or clues?’

It is not clear what these ‘indications’ are but there is speculation they might include some of the following data stuffed behind a filing cabinet in an empty office with DO NOT ENTER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES posted on the door.  

Specifically, since October 7, 2023, Israeli military operations in Gaza have resulted in the deaths of more than 54,000 Palestinians, including at least 17,000 children and 12,000 women, according to Gaza’s Health Ministry. Independent estimates consistently indicate that the overwhelming majority of these casualties have been civilians. Among the dead are over 500 healthcare workers, including ambulance crews, and at least 224 UNRWA staff. Gaza’s health infrastructure has been systematically dismantled, with hospitals bombed, clinics rendered inoperable, and medical convoys targeted. At least 200 journalists have also been killed, making this the deadliest conflict for the press in modern history. In recent months, dozens of Palestinians have been shot and killed by Israeli forces while attempting to collect food aid at designated distribution points, a pattern that has drawn widespread condemnation from humanitarian organisations. Israel has destroyed critical civilian infrastructure, including sewage systems, desalination plants, and water pipelines, leading to widespread dehydration and drought conditions. Hundreds of schools have been bombed or repurposed as shelters, many of which were subsequently attacked. Allegations of war crimes—ranging from collective punishment and indiscriminate bombing to the use of starvation as a weapon—have been raised by multiple international legal bodies. Concurrently, Israeli forces and settlers have intensified attacks in the occupied West Bank, with dozens killed and hundreds displaced amid renewed land seizures and home demolitions. Regional stability has further deteriorated with Israeli military actions extending into Lebanon and Syria, escalating tensions with Hezbollah and drawing condemnation from across the Middle East.

The unnamed official added,‘You mean there are ‘indications’? Right here in the EU? Since October 7th 2023? Why haven’t we heard about this before?’

A man in a red shirt hanging about outside the EU feeding the rats commented to reporters: 

‘Suggesting that this level of death and destruction is merely an ‘indication’ is equivalent to suggesting that eleven million dead in the concentration camps and a swathe of destruction from north Europe to north Africa, from Britain to Moscow, was no more than an ‘indication’ that Hitler and the Nazis might possibly be — not wanting to offend anyone here — a bunch of murdering, psychopathic fuckheads. 

‘Or that a bloviating pile of half-digested McDonald’s burgers, genetically altered to an orange hue and injected with botox in the cranial cavity is an indication that the leader of the free world is a vapid, murdering fuckhead.

‘Or that a timid, nose-twitching nest of mice in Brussels were an indication that they were a bunch of useless, cowardly fuckheads, hellbent on doing nothing about the 80-year murderous persecution of an entire people because they don’t want to offend their sponsors in big business or the above-referenced orange bloviator.’ 

But wait! We interrupt this story to bring you news of indications that the US has just bombed the buggery-fuck out of Iran! More later. And more and more and more and more …