Melania Trump in surprise cookie denial

Today at a surprise press conference, Melania Trump denied taking any cookies from the cookie jar. 

‘I did not take any cookies from the cookie jar,’ she told assembled journalists. 

‘I didn’t even know there was a cookie jar. So I couldn’t possibly have taken any cookies from it.’

Wearing a sackcloth of defiant colour, the wife of Donald Trump continued, ‘If I had had, in passing, passed the cookie jar, I wouldn’t have noticed it was there and would therefore not have known there were cookies to be taken. 

‘If I had, hypothetically, taken any cookies, which I didn’t, I would have taken them in an entirely casual and trivial way, and then forgotten about it, not that there was anything to forget about because it didn’t happen.

‘To be clear, we are talking about the white, expensive looking cookie jar with the word ‘cookies’ written on it in blue, in a cheerful cursive script. That’s the cookie jar and I had no knowledge of it then, and have no knowledge of it now, nor have I had knowledge of it between then and now. To be clear. 

‘If I had availed myself of cookies from the cookie jar, which is impossible, it would only have been a few times and in an entirely inconsequential way with neither intent nor consequence attached. 

‘And I can go further and categorically state that neither my husband nor I were introduced to each other by cookies, a cookie jar, or through a shared interest in cookies, to subsequently get married because we didn’t even get married — not in that way with a cookie jar officiating at the ceremony or anything. In fact, I can state with confidence that I didn’t ever meet the cookie jar with my husband either present or not present nor visa versa nor did I ever meet or marry my husband who anyway had no relationship with the cookie jar before, during or after me not having a relationship with the cookie jar or my husband at any point. 

‘As for Jeffrey Epstein, yes, of course I knew him and we shagged like bunnies while Ghislaine operated the camera and chose the toys. 

‘Look, I don’t even like cookies, OK?’

At this point, Melania abruptly terminated the conference and stomped away, declining to answer questions from the reporters such as ‘What cookies? What jar?’