Sat. Jun 6th, 2026
A screenshot of a news layout from The Guardian website showcasing four main articles with accompanying images and headlines. Top Left: A split photo of Donald Trump and Peter Thiel. The headline reads: "Exclusive: FCA’s Palantir deal could expose UK financial data to Trump’s US, critics fear." Top Right: A crowded street scene filled with football fans in red and white. The headline reads: "London: Sixteen people arrested and 75 rescued from height during Arsenal bus parade." Below it is a smaller text headline: "France: French police arrest 780 after violent clashes as PSG fans celebrate Champions League win." Bottom Left: An aerial view of a large cargo ship on the ocean, taken from a military perspective. The headline reads: "France: Macron says French navy has boarded Russia-linked oil tanker in Atlantic." Bottom Right: An image matching the file "masturbation among birds.jpg", showing a close-up of two cockatiels against a blue background. The headline reads: "Science: Masturbation among birds is ‘natural’ and should not be punished, say experts."

FCA’s Palantir deal could expose UK financial data to Trump’s UK, critics fear, but masturbation among birds is ‘natural’ and should not be punished, say experts. 

Macron says French navy has boarded Russia-linked oil tanker in Atlantic, but masturbation among birds is ‘natural’ and should not be punished, say experts. 

Masturbation among birds is ‘natural’ and should not be punished, say experts, but sixteen people arrested and 75 rescued from height during Arsenal bus parade.

‘I masturbated among birds once’ said Thomas Robinson-Lemon, ‘in the girls’ changing room at the public pool. The police said it was unnatural, wot I did. But now I feel vindicated. Bloody so-called experts — what do they know, eh? I mean …’

Here endeth news, for ever and ever, Amen, until the same time tomorrow. 

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A horizontal banner advertisement for Chris Page's novel Weed. The banner features a thin dark green border on a white background with bold green text that reads, "Read Weed before you go up in smoke". On the far right, a large, bright green smiley face badge is partially cropped by the edge of the frame.

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By chris page

Magazine editor, writer of fiction and non-fiction; exile; cat person; red wine for blood and cheese in his soul. Chris Page is the author of the novels Weed, Sanctioned, Another Perfect Day in ****ing Paradise, King of the Undies World, and The Underpants Tree. He is also a freelance journalist, copywriter, editor, cartoonist, illustrator, graphic designer, and consultant in the use and abuse of false moustaches (don’t wear them — you’re welcome — the invoice is in the mail).

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